'F' is for ... Fundamentals on the Fourth
Part 6
“Then why haven’t you said anything?” she asked.
“… Fear,” he admitted.
She couldn’t blame him; … wasn’t that what had held her back too? But she needed to ask, “What are you afraid of?”
For a moment, he was silent.
In those few seconds, while the people around them were absorbed in the sights and sounds of the fracas started by four upcoming high school freshmen engaged in a fight over a Frisbee; an incident that involved the flailing of limbs and resulted in one boy fleeing across the field with the neon fuchsia disc …
… In those fleeting seconds, a flood of feeble excuses crossed the Commander’s mind, but none of them could protect his fragile heart this time.
He had heard her say that their love still had to grow, … and that meant that she didn’t already love him, … not the way he wanted, not the way he needed. … She had come right out and declared that marrying him was ‘out of the question,’ … and that hurt.
“Facing your rejection, for one.” The honest answer slipped out, and the fissure in his heart slid open more. “ … And now that I’m getting the experience firsthand, … I know I had good reason to keep my lips firmly fixed.”
He began distancing himself emotionally … and even physically to the extent that he could without actually getting up or fully turning away.
Mac’s own heart faltered at witnessing Harm’s pain, and she was quick to contradict him. “I’m not rejecting you.”
“Famous last words,” he dismissed her response.
Damage was done, but he instinctively began the process of rebuilding the fortifications around that inner-most part of his being. “… Look, I thought you loved me too; I was wrong. Let’s just forget this whole fiasco, okay?”
Mac’s jaw had dropped open, but before she could vocalize anything, they were interrupted by a shooting flare in the form of a four-year-old boy.
“Uncle Harm! Aunt Mac!”
The tot bounced into his godfather’s arms.
“Hey, AJ. … What’ve you been up to?” Harm asked, relieved by the interruption and thankful for the distraction.
“Mommy went to the bathroom, but the lines were long. So, I went with Daddy. And we were waiting for Mommy … and waiting … and waiting … for-ever!!” he stated with exasperation.
It seemed he had forgotten his game, because AJ didn’t mention that ‘forever’ began with the letter ‘F.’ Neither Harm nor Mac even thought of pointing it out. Harm was still trying to recover from having both his heart and pride flattened.
And Mac was still so fazed from Harm’s bombshells that she hadn’t even registered what AJ had said. The words occupying her mind were not those of her godson.
The phrase echoing in her brain was, ‘I thought you loved me too.’ Those had been Harm’s words. Words that implied that he loved her; … that it was the ‘forever kind of love,’ the kind that was right for marriage.
‘I thought you loved me too,’ continued to resound in her head, followed by his reaction, ‘I was wrong.’
No! No, he wasn’t! She wanted to tell him that, to make him understand.
But as AJ babbled on about a festive clown who was following people around and putting frog stickers on them, Mac knew that her conversation with Harm was over. Harm would go on not understanding, because the circumstances forced her to keep her feelings to herself … again, … folded away, as always. And now Harm was shutting her out.
It seemed that the frustration would continue to float inside them both, exacerbating the familiar ache with which Freud would surely have been fascinated.
“Hi Daddy!” AJ smiled over Harm’s shoulder at his father, who was limping across the grass to join them. “See, I made it to Uncle Harm and Aunt Mac okay,” the boy proudly boasted.
“Yes, I see.” Bud warned his son though, “Just remember that you could only run ahead like that because you were headed to your godparents, who we know we can trust to look after you, and because I could still see you the whole way before you got to them.”
“Yeah, sport,” Harm agreed, “we’ve got to make sure you’re on someone’s radar at all times.” Harm was putting on the best ‘everything is normal’ façade that he could in front of AJ and his father.
“Speaking of which,” Bud timidly began, “I promised Harriet I’d take her to get a glass of cold lemonade from that one restaurant back there. But AJ was anxious to get back out here. Would you mind keeping an eye on him for a little bit?”
“Of course not,” Mac answered, finally focusing on the situation at hand. “He’s welcome to stay out here with us.”
“Thank you, ma’am …” He turned to Harm and tacked on, “sir,” to include him in his appreciation.
There was an awkward moment of silence after Mac and Harm politely nodded in acquiescence. Bud felt that something was off. Something in their body language indicated … tension. And he noted that they both seemed preoccupied. He expected them to be … happier than they appeared.
“Are you sure you don’t mind? Because I could take AJ with me …”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Bud,” Harm admonished him. “We’d love for him to stay with us.”
“Okay. Harriet’s waiting, so …”
“Go ahead, Bud,” Mac told him with a small smile. The younger man nodded and headed back to meet his wife.
In his seated position, Harm lifted AJ up, causing the boy to laugh with delight.
“Of course I want to spend time with you,” Harm told the little guy. “I love you, and you love me too, don’t you?”
“Yes!!” said AJ right before Harm lowered him back down to his lap.
“And how could I send away someone who loves me and wants to be with me, huh?”
Feeling that comment was partly directed at her, Mac started mumbling something to herself.
After a few sentences, Harm interrupted. “Mac, if you’re talking to us, you might want to try a language that’s not foreign,” he stated in a slightly cold tone, but one that could pass for teasing to someone who didn’t know better. “We don’t speak French … or whatever that was.”
“When do you understand me when I speak English?” asked Mac, trying to sound joking for AJ’s sake. If they were having one of their passive-aggressive arguments, he surely didn’t need to know it.
She had noticed that Harm had not dropped the ‘game’ of words beginning with the letter ‘F,’ though. So it was only right that she continue to play too, and furthermore, she had to correct him.
“And that was Farsi,” she stated, “a language that I’m fluent in, which sounds nothing like French, a language with which I am only somewhat familiar.”
“My mistake,” Harm acknowledged. “I’m fallible, you know. … I foul up now and then, especially when it comes to you. … Very frequently in the last ten minutes.” It was getting difficult for him to feign a light tone with her.
“Aunt Mac,” AJ interrupted. “Will you teach me to talk Farsi?”
She gave the boy a soft smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Maybe someday, sure,” she stated absently. Her mind was tied up with the older of the two males sharing her blanket.
Meanwhile, Harm, who had reminded himself of Mac’s rebuff and was feeling a fresh wave of pain, was overcome with the urge to excuse himself.
“You know, … I think I’m going to use the facilities myself. Let me up, AJ. You stay here with Aunt Mac, okay?”
“Okay.” AJ shifted himself off of Harm and bounced over to Mac, putting his arms around her neck.
Harm stood. “I might take a short walk, …fritter around for a bit before coming back. You need anything?” He didn’t look at Mac, but the inquiry was directed to her nonetheless.
‘What a question,’ she thought. Yes, she needed something. She needed him to understand that he had just blindsided her with his ‘proposal,’ - if one could call it that. She needed to ascertain his basis for the suggestion of marriage: to find out if he was truly serious about loving her … or if this was just an impulse that he had not thought through and didn’t really mean.
She needed a lot. But she couldn’t tell him those needs at the moment.
So, she shook her head negatively.
“I know,” AJ declared as if he had just figured out a secret. “Food!! Aunt Mac always likes food!”
Harm agreed with a small smile, “She does seem to always be famished for edible fare.”
“I’m actually not all that hungry right now,” Mac said. “Plus, we’ve still got stuff here.” She pointed to the cooler.
“Okay,” said Harm. “I’ll probably be back before Bud and Harriet.”
“We’ll be right here,” Mac told him.
Harm walked off to clear his head, leaving Mac with little AJ.
* * * * * *
“Well, it’s just you and me now,” she told her charge. “Are you ready for your plum yet?”
“Mmm, … okay,” AJ decided.
Mac got him settled with his plum and lots of paper towel.
After a few bites, AJ looked up at her. “Aunt Mac?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you and Uncle Harm fighting?”
So much for sparing the kid from the friction between them.
“No, … not exactly. He and I, … we just … need to talk about some things … later. … But Harm and I will be fine. Nothing to worry about.” She hoped that was true.
AJ must have accepted that answer because he was quiet for a half-minute, busily eating his fruit.
“Aunt Mac?” he asked for her attention again.
“Yeah?”
“Are you and Uncle Harm gonna have a baby?”
* * * * *
You could have knocked Mac over with a feather at that moment.
After she recovered from the initial shock, she eyed the boy suspiciously and gently prodded, “Did Uncle Harm say something to you about that?”
“No.”
She could tell it was a truly innocent answer, so maybe Harm wasn’t in as much trouble as she thought he might be. … If he had enlisted AJ in some sort of plan to try and manipulate her … there would not have been a rock big enough for the Commander to hide under.
But, if Harm hadn’t said anything, what on Earth prompted AJ to ask that? She wasn’t sure she even wanted to speculate.
Part 7
Mac took in a breath, preparing herself for this discussion with her godson. “Then why would you think that Uncle Harm and I would be having a baby?”
“You were kissing,” he told her simply.
Oh, God. “You saw that?”
She realized that was a stupid question as soon as she uttered it. Of course he saw that … or he wouldn’t have said anything.
“Uh-huh.” AJ took another bite, and, with his mouth full, he recited, “Kishing is somfing people who wuv each ovher do, …” He swallowed and concluded, “… and when a man and woman love each other, they have babies.”
Mac’s heart rate was elevated as much as if she had just run a mile, but she tried to stay calm and deal with this rationally. … So, … AJ must have had his first lesson in the birds and the bees.
Well, with a new child on the way, Harriet must have had to give AJ the abbreviated version of where babies come from.
Great, just great! Now what? And if AJ saw Harm and her kissing, … did his parents see that too?
Her godson was staring at her inquisitively, and she knew she had to say something.
“AJ, there are … different kinds of love. And sometimes people kiss … in a way that doesn’t mean … that they’re in love … in the way that people should be before they have a baby together.”
“Yeah, Mommy kisses me, and it’s not the same as she kisses Daddy.”
“That’s right.” Good, they’d had that discussion.
She just hoped it wasn’t a conversation that had just happened today in response to her and Harm being caught kissing. … Ok, so Harm and she hadn’t exactly been sharing a platonic kiss, … but who knows what Bud or Harriet might have said if they had to explain what AJ had observed.
One way to find out. “… Did, um, … did your parents see me and Uncle Harm kissing, too?”
AJ shrugged his shoulders. “Mommy was inside in the bathroom. Daddy was outside with me, but I don’t know if he was looking.”
“Fabulous,” Mac remarked sarcastically, accompanied with a sigh. On top of everything else, they may well have been witnessed by a junior officer in their chain of command. Even though Bud was their friend, it wasn’t going to make the situation any better.
She looked at AJ and noticed a drip of plum juice running down his face. “You’re leakin’ there, sweetie,” Mac told him, using some of the paper towel to wipe him up.
She was hoping to distract him from the current topic. “Here, why don’t you hold this towel right up there, so you can catch the drips?”
“Aunt Mac?”
“Yeah?”
“You didn’t tell me. Are you and Uncle Harm gonna have a baby?”
Persistent little guy.
“… Your Uncle Harm and I … don’t have that kind of relationship, AJ.”
Of course, in light of their last discussion, she really wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe she should qualify that answer. “We … might … someday, … but we still need to figure things out between us.”
“What kind of relashhhip?”
“Well, … it’s best if a man and woman are in love, … married, and living together before having a baby with each other. Harm and I aren’t married and we live across town from each other, so … that would have to change.”
“You aren’t married?” This was surprising to AJ. True, he had never really thought of them as ‘being married,’ but had never really thought otherwise either. He had just never considered it before.
But he did regard his ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ as a set, just like his parents. Parents were supposed to be married, and Uncle Harm and Aunt Mac were his godparents.
“No, we aren’t married.” Mac reminded him, “And we have separate apartments; you know that.” He had been to their individual places on a variety of occasions.
AJ’s face twisted with concern, and he put his half-eaten plum down. “If you and Uncle Harm aren’t married and don’t live together … how are you gonna take care of me if something happens to Mommy and Daddy?”
Oh, this wasn’t fair. Mac squirmed. Where was Harm? She shouldn’t have to be answering these types of questions alone.
No, … given Harm’s recent ‘proposal’ and mood when he left, he may not be entirely objective in coming up with answers that she would approve of.
Better yet, where were AJ’s parents? They were the ones who put these ideas in his head in the first place. She had certainly never told him about kissing, and babies, and the fact that Harm and she could get custody of him if something were to happen to his parents.
‘Suck it up, Marine,’ she told herself. ‘You’ve dealt with far worse from Chloe, and if you want to be a mother, you need to learn how to deal with these questions.’
“AJ, all you need to know … is that Uncle Harm and I both love you very much and will always be here for you. There is no reason to think that anything is going to happen to your parents though, so I’m sure it will never be an issue.”
“What if it does? I’d be all alone … and the baby.”
She rubbed his back soothingly. “In the very unlikely event that something were to happen to your parents, … Uncle Harm and I would become your guardians, and we would do whatever it takes to make sure you are well taken care of. Okay? You and the new baby would become our priority, just as if you were our own children.”
“You’d be like … my new parents?”
“We could never replace your parents, but … our roles as godparents would become more like regular parents, yes.”
“But where would we live?”
“… I don’t know, sweetheart. We would work something out though. But I don’t want you to worry about this, okay? Your parents are fine, and they love you. You and your little brother, when he’s born, are going to be very happy in your own house, and I’m sure your parents are going to be there to take care of you for a very long time.”
AJ nodded, but then he pointed out, “Daddy almost died when his leg came off.”
In awe of his abilities to make such logical connections at such a young age, Mac still managed to swiftly counter, “But he survived.”
She continued to reassure AJ, explaining, “He stayed alive because … your Dad is tough, and he knew he had to come home to you and your Mom. … Now, are you done with that plum?”
AJ nodded, and Mac got to work on wiping up his mouth and hands. She noticed that his eyelids were getting slightly droopy. After all the physical play with Harm earlier, the heavy questions now, and the fact that he had missed his regular nap, it wasn’t surprising that the preschooler was getting sleepy.
“Do you want to lay down for a bit so you’ll be all rested up for the fireworks?” Mac suggested. “They’ll be starting in a couple of hours, so there’s just enough time for a good nap.”
AJ didn’t want to sleep. There was so much going on, with the variety of local performances throughout the day and all of the people around finding interesting ways of entertaining themselves as they waited. He didn’t want to miss anything. And … he had more questions.
Fighting the sandman, AJ asked, “Why aren’t you and Uncle Harm married? That would make everything more easy.”
How was she supposed to answer that? Just this morning, her answer would have been difficult enough, but now, … Harm had changed the rules.
Well, maybe he had. She still wasn’t entirely sure he had thought the idea of marriage through and was committed to it. Her worst fear was that it was merely an impulsive decision … that he would regret later.
“Um, … there are complications, AJ. Like … Uncle Harm and I can’t work together anymore if we get married.”
“Oh.” AJ yawned. “… But Mommy and Daddy work together.”
There was that logic of a four-year-old again. So simple.
“Yes, they were lucky to get an exception made. But the situation with me and Harm is a little different. It would be harder with our positions to be allowed to do that. So, … it would be a choice between being married and being able to work together in the same place.”
“So working together is more important than being married?” AJ inquired, trying to make sense of these adults.
Good grief! This kid was forcing her to make a statement that she would be accountable for. … How was she supposed to answer him? … She had no choice but to do it honestly.
“No, AJ. … Not if two people are really meant to be together as husband and wife. If they are truly in love, and being married to each other is what they both really want, then nothing, not work … or much of anything else, is more important than them being with each other.”
“Why?”
“Because … being with the person you’ve fallen in love with for life … is the way it’s supposed to be.”
Although she considered that statement to be true, even to her own ears it sounded as one of those inadequate, conclusory answers that adults use, akin to ‘because I said so.’ So she voluntarily tried again.
“Because, if Uncle Harm and I were to get married, … even though we couldn’t officially work together anymore … we can still each have jobs and accomplish things in our own way. ... I mean, Harm and I have done a lot of good things at work together, … but, … two people sharing a life together can … accomplish … the most important things …”
“Like what?”
Mac was getting in over her head, so she decided to use an answer that was not only true, but also happened to serve as a strategic move – one that she had learned could quiet most anyone -… flattery.
“Like … how your parents have accomplished the greatest things ever in having you … and your brother that’s going to be born soon. Together, your Mom and Dad love and support you, and they have each other to be strong enough to handle anything you or anyone in your family needs.”
AJ settled his head down on his godmother’s lap, looking up at her. “Then you and Uncle Harm should get married, ’cause you have to be together in case me and the new baby need you.”
“Is that so?” Mac asked with a gentle smile.
AJ nodded. Making his case stronger, he pointed out, “And you can kiss if you’re married, but …” He yawned again, “… you already did that.”
Mac was sure her face was turning the shade of her red outer shirt that she was ready to put on over her tank top again. But she smiled at the boy. Despite the awkwardness of the conversation, she found that she was feeling much better.
“Go to sleep now,” she quietly instructed him, rubbing her fingers soothingly through his hair.
He closed his eyes, but a moment later his pupils shone up at her. “If you and Uncle Harm have a baby, … and something happens to Mommy and Daddy, … who’s gonna take care of me and Mommy’s new baby then?”
Mac caressed the little boy’s head with one hand and cradled his side with her other. “Then you would come be with us. Nothing would change, … except that Harm and I would already be living in one place … and you would have to act like a big brother to at least one more child. … You could do that, right?”
AJ managed a sleepy nod.
“Good. Now, go to sleep, and no more worries, okay? Your parents are going to be fine, and Uncle Harm and I … we’re going to be fine too.”
This time she didn’t get a response. He was asleep. Mac was glad his questions had stopped … at least any new questions. Her head and heart were busy enough sorting through the questions he had asked, in addition to the questions resulting from the previous discussion with Harm. She was especially occupied with those areas where the questions overlapped.
But her mood had improved. Talking to AJ had actually given her a new perspective on things, and she realized that, being honest, … she really did see herself being married to Harm. She wanted a family of her own, and her dreams always included Harm as her husband and the father of her children.
And the thing was … he had just admitted that he wants those things with her too. Even if he had not directly said that he loved her, … could she really let her insecurities fool herself that he didn’t?
That kiss that he had given her, … the one that AJ witnessed, that was the kind of kiss between people who are ‘in love … the way that people should be before they have a baby together.’
… So, even though Harm might be upset with her right now, things really weren’t so bad. … No, today’s developments weren’t bad at all, she decided.
Although the setting sun made the air blowing against her skin feel chilly, which caused her to put on her extra shirt and to cover little AJ’s arms and legs with the light jacket that Harm had left behind, … on the inside, a warm sensation of love, hope, and determination was spreading throughout Sarah MacKenzie.
**********************
TBC ...
