JAG Continues

JAG Continues                                                                                Book II:  Volatile Matters

Ch. 1 -  The Ensnaring Webb

Part C

Turning to stare at Webb, Mac surmised, “I take it I’m not getting a congratulations?”

“I’m surprised Rabb finally made a move on you.”

“How do you know I didn’t make the move on him?” Mac asked, somewhat annoyed.

“Because it’s not your MO.  You need a man to initiate things – to tell you how much he wants you before you even think about pursuing something more.”

That was true.  Except once.  Mac remembered the ferry ride years back when she had pushed Harm for a change in their relationship.  “Not always.”  She then quickly moved on.  “Webb, you can’t honestly be surprised that Harm and I are in love with each other.”

“… I still love you, Sarah.  You once told me you loved me.”

“I know.  And I’m sorry.”

“For loving me?”

“For lying to you … and myself.”

“Maybe you’re lying to yourself now.”

Mac shook her head.  “Webb, you knew before you and I ever got involved that Harm was the one for me.  You practically told me that at the beginning of the Paraguay mission.”

“And yet we did get involved.  I told you he wouldn’t be my choice for you, and you didn’t disagree with me.”

“No, I didn’t, and that was one of my many mistakes.  I was in denial.  Anyway, Harm’s not so oblivious anymore.  And he never was any more oblivious than I was.  … Clay, why did you pursue something with me when you knew I loved Harm?”

“Because I loved you.  And not even you knew what you felt for Rabb, so how was I supposed to?  You’re the one who told me you didn’t want a relationship with him.  You’re the one who willingly went out with me for almost a year.  You let me love you.  You made love to me.”

“No!”  Mac shook her head, vehemently this time.  “We never made love, Webb.  We had sex.”  Mac felt nauseas just thinking about it.  “And as you pointed out yourself, I was on an adrenaline high those times.”  

She was ashamed of herself, to say the least.  “I was all messed up emotionally from Sadik and … other things.”  She was struggling to maintain her sense of self-dignity while discussing this subject.

“You’re saying you never loved me?” Webb didn’t believe it.  “You even told my mother you loved me.”

Mac inhaled deeply.  “Clayton, I’m not going to lie to you.  I did have feelings for you, and I even tried to pretend those feelings were love.  But they weren’t.  I did care about you.  But the feelings I had were born out of our friendship, our trauma in Paraguay, and a misguided need to try to reciprocate your interest. 

“I tried to hold onto the feelings I developed in response to you telling me that you loved me, and in response to your being tortured.  But those feelings were … empathy, guilt, mutual pain, and … flattery.  I cared for you Clay, but I was never in love with you.”

“How do you know it wasn’t love?”

“Because I know what love feels like!  It’s what I have with Harm.  … I just didn’t want to admit it at the time.”

“Why not?  Why would you be in denial if you loved him so much?” Webb argued.  “It must have been because he was being a jerk.  Do you think he would treat you that way if he loved you?”

“And you haven’t acted like a jerk?!” Mac responded.  “Look, Harm does love me.  And I was probably more guilty of acting like a jerk than he was at that time.  But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him – or that he didn’t love me. 

“There was a lot of strain and a lot of misunderstandings between Harm and me back then.  … And, yes, my anger and frustration with him did push me to be closer to you.  And that was unfair of me – to you, to him, … and to myself.” 

She looked him in the eye.  “I’m sorry for that.”

Webb paused for a moment.  “I don’t think you love Harm anymore than you love me.  This is about the Company.  You don’t like my job.”

“Well, you’re right about me not liking your job,” Mac agreed with the last point while taking a few steps away from him.  “You know, we never had much of a relationship anyway, Webb.  You weren’t around enough to really even call it that.”

“What if I quit my job now?” he asked hopefully.

She turned back to him and looked at him like he was insane.  “Webb, your life is the Company.  You can’t quit.”

He looked her in the eyes.  “I might, if it would mean I had another chance with you.”

“No, Webb,” she began gently, but became more vehement.  “Don’t you get it?  It doesn’t matter.  I’m not the woman for you.  There is nothing between us!”

“We had some amazing times in the sheets between us,” he snapped.

“Damn it, Webb!  Was I just some sex object to you?”  She stared at him with horror and disgust.

“Of course not.  And God knows it took you long enough to get there.  … But, Sarah, you liked being with me when I was around.”

“How can you say that?” Mac asked in disbelief.  “Do you even know me?  Clay, you were a replacement for what was missing in my life.  I was never really content with you.  Can you honestly tell me you thought I was happy?  That you didn’t know I was thinking about Harm every time you and I were together?”

“It’s back to Harm again," Webb noted with displeasure.  "If you wanted Rabb, why did you choose me?” he asked.

She looked away and then clenched her eyes shut.  “I didn’t – exactly.”

“Sure you did,” he insisted, as Mac’s eyes reopened.  “Paraguay.  Harm and I were both there.  We were both interested.  You ended up with me,” he stated.

Focusing on a random point, which happened to be Harm’s stove, Mac said, “I made a lot of really bad decisions in Paraguay … and after Paraguay.”  

She then pivoted to address Clay directly, though she did not keep eye contact for long.  “Look, you’re right, I had two guys interested in me, but I didn’t believe that at the time.  At least, I didn’t believe that the one I loved would ever … really want me. 

“I tried to push Harm into admitting something at a really bad time, and I ended up pushing him away instead …”

Meeting Clay’s eyes again, she declared with exasperation, “I’m lucky that he even still speaks to me, … much less still loves me.”

Webb was not impressed.  “Harm was a fool not to tell you he loved you then.  Are you sure he did?  Because I can’t imagine anything easier than admitting that I’m in love with you.  Are you sure that he does love you?”

Mac thought about the irony.  Maybe it was so easy for Webb to say a lot of things, because he didn’t mean half of them anyhow. 

She emphatically corrected Webb, “I have never been more sure of anyone’s feelings for me as I am right now about Harm’s.”

“You can be sure that I love you, Sarah,” insisted Webb.

“No, I can’t.”  She shook her head.  “Not really.  They’re just words from you that I’m not sure I can believe.  And for your sake, Clay, I hope you don’t really love me.  And I don’t think you do. 

“I think you just got attached to me because I’m one of the few women, outside of your mother, who have consistently been in your life at all.  I mean, how many women do you get to be close to in your line of work?”

“You can’t tell me what I’m feeling, Sarah.”

“Then why are you trying to tell me what I’m feeling?  … Honestly, Clay, I am in love with Harm, and nothing is going to come between him and me anymore.  We’ve been through too much to waste anymore time apart.”

Webb had it.  His usual cool was wearing thin.  He stepped up directly in front of Mac.  “Can you really look me in the eye and tell me you never loved me?  That you don’t have feelings for me?”

“Yes,” she said determinedly.  “Not feelings like tha…”

Her explanation was abruptly broken off when Webb, catching her off guard, put his mouth on hers, pushed her up against the wall, and forced his tongue past her lips. 

Five seconds and several harsh blows later, Mac had Webb face down on the ground, her knee in his back and his right arm twisted behind him.

“What the HELL was that, Webb?” she yelled in shock.

Webb did not respond.  His tongue was bleeding and his eyes welled with tears, … this time an involuntary response to the physical pain.  He cringed from the throbbing aches he felt throughout his body.

“What the hell?” Mac repeated.  “… You know, there are a lot of words I could use to describe my feelings toward you right now, Clay, but ‘love’ is not one of them!”

“… Awright.  I unnerstan,” he moaned, as articulately as he could with his tongue hurt and gushing blood.  “’et me up.”

“No, I don’t think you do understand!”  She made no effort to loosen her hold on him.  “As a matter of fact, I’m just beginning to understand some things, … like the fact that I don’t really even know you.  I don’t know why I went out with you Webb. 

“I do know that I felt guilty about how you were tortured.  But you know what?”  She leaned her head down close to his.  “I don’t anymore.  Because I didn’t cause your torture.  Sadik alone did that.  I didn’t get you into that mess.  You planned the rogue mission.” 

Lifting her head, she spoke louder and yanked his arm in conjunction with her vocal emphasis.  “As a matter of fact, you were the one who went out of your way to get me into that mess.  You nearly got me tortured and killed!” 

She quieted some, but was no less assertive.  “And on top of that, Webb, I think you personally manipulated me.”

“As if anyone cou’ manipuwate you, Sarah,” Webb said, the side of his face still pressed into the floor.

“No, you’re right,” she reluctantly admitted.  “They were my bad decisions, and I have to take responsibility for them.  But I was emotionally weak at the time, and you knew my playbook with men.”

Her accusatory tone returned.  “You studied up on me, didn’t you?  That’s how you can make observations like you did earlier about me needing men to make the first move, to tell me they want me.”

“That didn’t take too much digging.”  The pain in his tongue was subsiding enough for him to speak better, despite the heavy bleeding.

“No, but you know your mistake, Webb?  You followed the pattern of what got me into every relationship with a man in the past.  But every relationship I’ve ever had with a man before now has been a complete disaster.  So, following that pattern just added you to that list.  And men who have been involved with me don’t usually end up too well.”

“So you’re going to ruin Rabb’s life now?” Webb pointed out.

That hit a little too close for Mac, and she reacted by gripping Webb’s arm harder and shifting her weight to dig her knee further into his back.  She knew Harm was different, but deep inside she was worried about the effect that being involved with her would have on him.  Her history left a trail of sizeable messes with men paying dire consequences.  Harm was already suffering a career hit because of her.  … But she wasn’t going to let Webb play her doubts.

“No.  Harm doesn’t fit the pattern of all the other men who had been in my life.  He actually loves and respects me for who I am.  And I’m going to do everything I can to make Harm’s life happy and safe, because I love him too.  And that's the biggest difference.  I love him.  Like I have never loved anyone else.”  Mac was still pulling Webb’s arm tight.

“Hey, easy on the arm,” cried Webb.  “I thought you didn’t approve of torture.”

She responded quickly.  “That was before your behavior turned so … despicable.”

“Just let me up, so I can go,” Webb nearly pleaded.  He was swallowing a lot of blood from his tongue.

“Well, since I’ve got you down here,” Mac threw out, “why don’t you tell me something useful about Howrani?”

“Can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Mac asked.

“Is there a difference?”

Mac ignored his question.  “Is Harm even in any real danger, or are you just trying to scare him to stay away from me?”

“Trust me, Harm’s in real danger,” Webb responded snidely.  Smiling a little he added, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t make it back tonight.”

Reacting with an almost animal rage, Mac yanked Webb’s shoulders up a foot off the floor and slammed him back down, spewing, “You son of a …”

At that moment Harm opened the door.  He was breathing hard from his run, but stopped short of every movement when he saw Mac on the floor over Webb.

“Harm!” Mac gasped in relief.  She loosened her grip on Clay. 

Harm stood at the door in shock.  “What happened here?”

For a moment, Mac battled inside – the woman in her wanting to rush to Harm and hug him in appreciation of his safety versus the angry marine who wanted to remain tough and in control in front of Webb.  The latter, more or less, won out. 

“I … ” Mac let go of Clay and stood up.  “… Webb and I had a bit of … an altercation.”

Harm stared at them.  “I can see that.  Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  Then switching fully to her marine persona, she added, “And Webb will be … when he leaves.”  Mac stepped back, as if distancing herself from Webb would somehow distance herself from the whole situation. 

Harm, grateful that Mac was clearly capable of taking care of herself, wasn’t sure whether to help Webb up or add to his injuries.  After all, it would have taken a serious offensive action to cause Mac to take him down like that.  So, Harm just stood, frozen.

Webb turned and looked up at Harm.  “What can I say?  I told you she likes it rough after she’s been angry.”

It took every amount of willpower she had in her, for Mac not to lash out at Webb physically or verbally for that comment.  Instead, she snickered in disgust and walked to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Harm had to use superhuman restraint to keep himself from picking Webb up off the ground just to beat him down again for that remark.  But he wanted to know more before he reacted.  So instead, he shut the door behind him and focused on Mac, who came back with a cloth.  Webb was sitting up now, and Mac threw the towel at him. 

To Harm’s surprise, Webb stuck out his tongue and pressed the cloth tightly against it.  After a few seconds of soaking up some blood, Webb took the cloth away and tried to look at his own tongue.  Webb couldn’t view it, but Harm saw that a chunk of Webb’s tongue had been ripped.

“You must have said something pretty bad to force Mac to make you bite your tongue like that.”  Harm played on the figurative meaning, since he didn’t really understand how Webb’s tongue could have been injured in such a manner.  Maybe Webb had his tongue between his teeth when Mac hit him in the jaw?  But he didn’t think it would have ripped that way.

Harm looked at Mac in the hopes of an explanation, but she was standing, with arms crossed, staring angrily in the other direction.  

Webb stood up.  Removing the cloth again briefly, he said, “I didn’t bite my tongue.  Sarah did.”

Harm’s eyes became wide as he looked at Mac, whose attention he now had.  “How does that happen?” Harm asked her in astonishment.

With a piercing look at Clay, she irritably stated, “Webb stuck it where it didn’t belong.”

Harm was beginning to get the picture, and Mac could see the fury build up in his eyes.  She glared at Webb, saying, “You should go now.  I won’t make any effort to hold Harm back.”

There were a few seconds of excruciatingly tense silence.

Surprisingly, Harm did not hit Webb.  “Holding me back won’t be necessary, Mac,” Harm said, though he was clearly struggling to restrain himself.  “But, Webb, I do want you out of here NOW.  You have definitely outstayed your welcome.”

Harm opened the door wide, with a death grip on the doorknob.  His jaw was clenched tight.

Webb nodded and walked to the doorway.  He turned back to look at Mac and removed the blood-soaked cloth for a moment to say to her, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” 

“I wish I could believe that,” Mac replied.

“Me too.”  Webb stepped out into the hallway.  “Watch your back, Rabb.”

Mac thought she would try one last time.  “If you are sorry, Clay, and want to make it up to me, give us some information we can use.  Or at least a contact at the Agency who is working on this case.”

Webb snorted.  “This is one of the reasons I love you, Sarah.  You beat me up, leave me bleeding, and still you insist that I owe you a favor.  I did my good deed for the day by letting you know about the situation.  There is no reason for you to get hurt or die, Sarah.  … Rabb, on the other hand, is likely dead by the end of the month, if not sooner.”

“Damn you!” Mac lunged at Webb, but Harm, who had already moved out by the open side of the doorway, caught her around the waist, preventing her from getting past him.  She roared at Webb, “If you are setting Harm up to be killed, I swear …” She almost broke free from Harm.

“Take it easy, Mac,” Harm begged.  “… Webb can’t take any more physical abuse tonight, no matter how deserving of it he is.”

“I don’t need you to protect me, Rabb,” Webb stated.  Harm let go of Mac, who struggled to stay grounded in her spot.

“Yeah, well, if what you say is true,” Harm said, “maybe I need you to protect me.  … Regardless, it would be better off for all of us if Mac didn’t kill you tonight.”

“Very generous of you Rabb.”  Webb put the cloth back on his tongue for a moment.  “Oh, do you want your towel back?”

“Please, keep it,” insisted Harm, his face twisted.  “We wouldn’t want you swallowing any more blood than you have to.”

“Webb enjoys the taste of blood,” observed Mac acidly.  She shook her head and huffed back inside.  A second later the door slammed shut.

After a moment, Webb looked at Harm and said, “Keep her safe.”

“I intend to,” Harm replied.  He took a step closer to Webb.  “Oh, just so we’re clear.  I appreciate the warning on my life and all, but …”

He grabbed Webb by the collar and slammed him up against the wall, pinning him.  “… As long as I am alive, if you ever even think about pulling a stunt like you did tonight with Mac again, you will have me to answer to, as well as her. 

“See, … when I said she could kick your six, that was not an invitation.  You might get some sick, twisted pleasure from having her take you down, … but I assure you, if you try anything inappropriate with her ever again, there will be nothing remotely pleasurable about what you can expect from me.” 

The look in Harm’s eyes could easily have burned Clay to a crisp.

“You don’t scare me, Rabb.”

“I don’t have to,” Harm let go and backed off.  His eyes narrowed.  “I’m merely giving you a considerate warning.”

“Good night, Rabb.”

As Webb disappeared into the elevator, Harm heard a click.  He turned his head as he recognized the sound.  

     -----

To be continued in Ch. 2 - Needs