JAG Continues

JAG Continues                                                                                Book II:  Volatile Matters

Ch. 2 -  Needs

Part C

Mac showered at her own apartment.  When she came out in her pajamas, she once again found Harm on her sofa with his head in his hands.  He lifted his eyes to her though when he heard her come in.  “Feel better?” he asked.

‘Not really,’ she thought to herself.  Until they talked and until she knew Harm was safe she wouldn’t feel too much better.  “A little,” she answered.  

Mac wanted to have a discussion, but she didn’t want to push Harm.  He said he couldn’t talk about it yet, so she would have to give him that space.  But she was hoping that he would at least not need to be physically apart from her.  She so desperately wanted to be held by him right now.  

So she took a chance.  She looked at him and nearly begged with her eyes.  “Come to bed?” she pleaded.

He inhaled deeply before answering, “I think I’d just like to sit here for awhile.”

“Oh,” she said, badly hiding her disappointment.  “Okay.”  She concluded that he really did need some space from her right now, so she had no choice but to give it to him.  Timidly, she said, “I guess I’ll let you be then.  I’ll be in the bedroom.”

“Mac,” Harm called to stop her.  He shifted on the couch, nestling himself into the corner against the arm.  “Can I ask you to do something for me?”

“Anything.”  And, with the exception of something like taking him back to his apartment and leaving him there without her, she meant it.

“I’d … um … like you to sit with me, and … let me hold you.”

With a tired smile, Mac sighed with relief.  “I’d like that very much.”

Harm opened his arms, indicating that she should come snuggle up with him.  Mac almost dove into his embrace.  She curled up with her head on his chest, just below his chin.  He held her tightly to him, occasionally stroking her hair or rubbing her arm.  They stayed that way for five minutes in total quiet.

Tilting his head to see Mac’s face, Harm looked her over and noticed how, at the moment, she looked very much like a child seeking comfort and safety.  He wondered how she ever got through her own childhood without access to either.

“Mac?”

“Hmmm?”

“Have I told you today that I love you?”

She opened her eyes and looked up at him.  “Not since midnight, no.”

“Oh.  … I love you.”

Mac didn’t respond except to return the sentiment through her eyes.  When she knew he had received her message, she put her head back down and snuggled closer to him again.  He kissed her on the top of her head and hugged her firmly with both arms.

“If you want to talk,” said Harm, after another minute, “… I can listen.”

She lifted her head again.  “I thought you were too angry to talk?”

“Holding you seems to have a calming effect on me,” he said.  “Do you want to tell me what happened with Webb while I was out running?”

“I’m not sure you’re ready to hear it.”

“Did Webb convince you that you don’t love me?”

“No.”

“That you shouldn’t marry me?”

“No.”

“That you are in love with him?”

“No.”

“Then, I’m ready to hear whatever you have to say.”

“You’re sure?”

“No,” Harm declared with an odd amount of certainty for an equivocal response, until he added, “… but … if I feel I’m not ready at any point, I’ll ask you to stop, okay?”

Mac proceeded to give him a very accurate and detailed account of the conversation between her and Webb.  She explained how when Webb assaulted her, she had reflexively bit down on his intruding tongue and simultaneously shoved him away, causing him to bleed.  She mentioned how Clay taunted her with threats against Harm even after she had knocked the spook down.  

Harm did not interrupt or ask questions.  Mac finished with how relieved she felt when he had safely come in from his run after all.  

Still, Harm said nothing.  

“What are you thinking?” Mac finally asked him.

“I’m just trying to make sense of things.  … Did you mean all the things you said to him?”

“Yes.”

“About why you think you got involved with him and he with you?”

“Yes.”

“What was that about me not being his choice for you?”

Mac drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out.  “At the beginning of the mission, when Clay and I were still setting up our marriage cover, we got to talking about the idea of having kids in real life.  

“I told him that, for me, it would take the right time and the right man.  … He seemed to know that you were that man, … and he called me on it.  But, he said you wouldn’t be his choice for me – that you were too oblivious.”

“Oblivious?  I - …” Harm started to object, but didn’t want to start an argument on that subject at the moment.  Still he was getting worked up, and couldn’t help following up.

“So, what, Clay badmouthed me and then immediately declared his undying love for you?” Harm accused.

Outwardly unaffected by Harm's tone, Mac continued calmly.  “No.  He didn’t tell me that he was interested in me until later.  I think he was just feeling me out then.  He actually said I needed someone who-”

“Mac.”  Harm was quickly becoming upset with this discussion.  He had already heard more than he could handle, and the idea of Webb ‘feeling’ Mac out in any sense was just too disturbing.

“What?”

“I can’t hear anymore right now.  Not if I want to stay calm, … and I do.”

She paused.  There were things she needed to get off her chest, but if he wasn’t ready, then she would have to wait.  Besides, there were more pressing issues to discuss at the moment.  

“Okay,” she said.  “Harm?”

“Yeah?”

“I do love you, you know.”

“Thanks.”  He gave her a small, but reassuring smile.  “I know.  And I love you, too.”

“… How about the topic of what we’re going to do about Howrani?” Mac asked.

“I need information,” he said simply.

“You must have some contacts left at the Agency.  Is there anyone you trust?”

Harm sighed.  “How do you ever know if you can trust a spook?” he asked rhetorically, as if he were joking.  “… Actually, I was thinking of first tracking down a contact I had once at the Lebanese Embassy.”

“You don’t happen to have his personal number, do you?” asked Mac.  “-- Considering it’s the weekend.”

“As a matter of fact, I do have her personal number.”

“Oh.”  Mac, embarrassed that she had assumed it would be a man, tried to cover with humor.  “So, she’s in your little black book?”  Mac sat up and hoped her teasing wouldn’t upset Harm any more.

“I don’t have a little black book,” he declared in mock offense.  

“Does that mean it’s a big one?” Mac played.  “Or that it’s not black?”

“There is no book,” he insisted.

“Damn, and here I was looking forward to watching it burn,” she teased.

“I need to keep you away from my address book,” he played back.  “I have things like my grandmother’s birthday recorded in there.”

“I wouldn’t destroy anything,” she assured him.  Jovially, she stated, “I just wouldn’t mind you losing traces of some of your prior ‘social contacts.’”  Before Harm could respond, Mac got back on topic.  “So this woman at the embassy, you think she can help?”

“I hope so.  She’s been working there for some time.  She seems to be pretty well informed and very helpful.”  Then he added in a by-the-way tone, “… And I don’t know her in a social way.”

Mac looked mildly surprised, while Harm explained, “She gave me her cell phone number in regards to a case once.”  Then he grinned.  “Besides, she’s married.”

Mac smiled back, happy that the tension was dissipating.  “Okay.  Are you sure there is no one in the Agency that can help?”

“… There are a few people affiliated with the Agency that … I have reason to trust …”

Mac picked up on the hesitation in Harm’s voice, and remembered when she had asked him once before if he knew anyone in the Company who he trusted.  “That’s right,” she recalled, “… ‘You ought to trust her – you married her.’ … Your former ‘wife’?”

Harm nodded.  “Let’s hope she’s more cooperative than your former ‘husband.’”

Very seriously, Mac asked, “Do you think she can help?  I mean … she’s a lawyer, not an agent.  She may not be privy to what we’re after.”

He cocked an eyebrow.  “There’s only one way to find out.”

“We should pay her a visit,” Mac concluded.

“We?”

“Yes, ‘we,’” she confirmed.  “I already told you, you’re not getting rid of me on this.”  

Not exactly sure why, Mac added another comment.  “Plus, we’ve just seen what happens when one of us tries to talk alone with a former pretend spouse.  … And you’re too much of a gentleman to knock her on the ground if she tries something,” she said in a half-attempt at humor.

“Uh, Mac.  Catherine is not exactly in the same category as Webb.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, she and I never slept together.”

Momentarily stung by the comment’s true implications of her and Webb, Mac quickly recovered.  She managed to keep things good-humored.  “Neither have you and I, Harm.  But that obviously doesn’t mean there’s nothing more between us.  And you did kiss her, after all.”

“What?”

“Unless that part was somehow omitted from the fake wedding ceremony?” she teased.

“It was an act!” he said with exasperation.

“It must have been a heck of a good act if it made her mother believe it enough to miraculously get well.”  Her tone started to get a little less playful.

“Mac, I can honestly say that Catherine is not interested in me and is definitely not interested in getting between the two of us.”

“How do you know?”

“Because if she wanted me, she would have me.”

“What?” Mac asked, somewhat shocked.

“What?” Harm asked back in confusion.

“What do you mean she would have you?”

“I … just mean … when I hinted at …”

“You wanted her?”  Mac didn’t know why this upset her.  Prior to Thursday night, she had no claim on Harm.  He was free to go after whomever he wanted.  

But still, Mac was concerned.  When had Harm ever really pursued a woman?  Wasn’t it typically the female who had come after him in his past relationships?  If he had actively tried to pursue something with Catherine, that would mean he must have really felt attracted to her, wouldn’t it?

“No … I …” Harm protested.  He could tell by looking at Mac’s expression that this was not going well.  “Mac.  I just meant that she could easily have …”  He stopped.   Mac looked imploringly at him.

“New tactic with this communication thing,” Harm decided, shifting himself to sit up better.  “I’m just going to spit it out.  

“Catherine never once tried to maneuver me into doing anything, and she had plenty of opportunities.  But she was always very aware that, aside from me being a decent guy, everything I did with her at the hospital, I really did for one reason.  -- To get her to give me a contact who could tell me where one Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie had disappeared to on Company business, … because I was worried out of my mind.”

Mac started to say something, but Harm interrupted.  

“Mac -  my point is – when her mother recovered and I came back to the States, Catherine could have pushed me for more to help further the act or even make the act a reality.  I’m a sucker for helping out, … and not to belabor the point, but that was a time when I could probably have gone for feeling appreciated by someone.  

“And then the fact that she was pregnant, but didn’t want the father involved in the child’s life – well, … I’m a really big sucker for fatherless children.  Heck, that had practically been the whole foundation for my relationship with Annie way back when.

“But when I even hinted at stepping into Catherine’s life at that point, she flat out refused.  She wouldn’t let me seek out a ready-made family.  So we cleared the air with her mother, and that was the end of it.”

Mac stared at him for a second.  “You’re saying you would have been willing to get into a relationship with her, but that she didn’t want to?  I’m having a hard time believing that she wouldn’t want you.”

Harm took Mac’s hand.  “I’m not sure,” he said gently, “but I think she knew my heart belonged to another - even if my heart was in pieces at the time.”

Mac closed her eyes, digesting his last statements.

Harm thought for a moment.  “… So I guess I’d have to modify what I said the other night – about how, when you were going out with Webb, I broke my pattern of having a relationship with a woman as a reaction to your involvement with another man.  Because I guess I would have let Catherine be my distraction then.  

“But she was too honest.  While her mother’s condition may have convinced her to temporarily pretend there was something between us for her mom’s sake, she was not about to let either of us fool ourselves.”

Mac thought it best to get back to the topic at hand, because otherwise the guilt would eat away at her.  “Anyone else at the Agency who might help?”

“If I can get in contact with Beth, she might know something.  We flew together on that mission, as I recall.”

Mac grimaced.

“What?” asked Harm.

“Nothing,” said Mac quickly.

“No,” replied Harm.  “If I can’t get away with that response, neither can you.  We need to work on not hiding what we’re feeling and thinking, remember?”

“You just had me stop talking about Webb,” Mac pointed out.

“Fair enough,” admitted Harm.  “But I’m merely tabling that discussion of Webb until I can handle it properly.  We both know exactly where that conversation needs to be picked up again when it’s time.  What you’re thinking now isn’t about Webb, and you’re trying to hide it from me all together.”

There was a moment of quiet before Mac finally blurted out, “I’m jealous.”

“Jealous?” repeated Harm, in surprised confusion. “Of what?”

Mac leaned back on the opposite end of the couch.  “Of all the women who had you while I was being stupid.”

“I just told you nothing happened between Catherine and me.”

“Yeah, but you also just said she could have had you.  And then there’s Beth.”

Harm’s eyebrows raised high.  “You’re jealous of Beth?”  Harm couldn’t suppress a wide grin.  “Mac, believe me.  You have nothing to worry about from Beth.”

“What’s so funny?  This is Beth O’Neil, the former commander who inappropriately hit on a whole bunch of junior officers in her own chain of command, right?  You’re telling me she didn’t make a play for you?”

Harm laughed out loud.

“Harm, why is this funny?”

“You’re assuming she was attracted to me.”

“How could she not be attracted to you?  Any woman with a pulse is attracted to you!  … You’re telling me nothing happened?  You said yourself that you were vulnerable at the time, Harm, and the mere fact that she is a pilot had to turn you on.”

Harm’s smile lessened, and he glared at Mac with curiosity.

“Harm, say something.”

“Nothing happened with Beth.”

“She didn’t flirt with you?”

His smile returned.  “What if she did?  There’s nothing wrong with innocent flirting.  You and I have been flirting since we met.”

Mac actually smiled at this.  “Harm, our ‘innocent’ flirting led to our engagement to be married.  I hardly think we’re the best example of flirting being meaningless.”

“Point taken,” he granted her.

After her brief moment of triumph, Mac became solemn.  “… Not that it should really matter,” she asked hesitantly, “but … you didn’t sleep with her?”

“Mac, she testified at her hearing that she hadn’t been sexually involved with a man since her divorce.  Did you think she would start with me?”

“I didn’t believe her at her hearing, and I’m not sure I do now.”  Very skeptically, Mac continued, “Come on, it had been how many years, but she didn’t sleep with any of the men she had been hitting on?”

“That doesn’t mean she was lying,” asserted Harm.  “Heck, I haven’t slept with anyone in years.”

Mac froze and went a little pale.

“Mac?”

“You haven’t …  Not even …?  Oh, God.”

“I’m confused, Mac.  A minute ago you were jealous, but now you’re upset that I haven’t slept with anyone since Renee?”

“Oh, God,” repeated Mac.

“Mac?”

“I …” She stood up.  “… Do you want something to drink?”  She tried to change the subject.

“No,” he replied.  Mac went to the kitchen, and Harm followed.  “Hey, talk to me.”

“I can’t.” She said, filling a cup with water.

Harm was about to protest.

“Not now,” Mac insisted.  “I’m tabling it.  If you can table something for another time, so can I.”

Harm crossed his arms and leaned against the stove.

Mac was getting flustered, and she was desperate to make Harm stop looking at her so suspiciously.  “So you’ll call Beth tomorrow?”  She tried to get back to business.

“Yeah.”  He decided it best not to follow up on the prior conversation at the moment.  “… So, listen … assuming there is someone after me, we need to figure out the best way to keep everyone closest to me safe.”

“You’re not getting rid of me, Harm.”

“I have no intention of doing that.  But I need to be sure that you, Mattie, or anybody else doesn’t get hurt while someone is trying to get rid of me.”

“I won’t let anyone get rid of you, Harm.  I can’t let that happen.”  It was more a statement of desperation than of confidence.

Harm went on as if Mac hadn’t spoken.  “As it is, I’m taking a chance being here.  I hope I’m not making you a target.” 

“It’s safer here than at your apartment,” Mac insisted.  “If anything, this situation is a hit, not a personal vendetta.  So if someone is trying to get rid of you they only need to know the basics, like where you live.  They’re probably not researching everyone in your life.”

“I guess.  But if they’re following me, I could endanger the people I’m with.  … I think maybe you should go see Mattie tomorrow without me.”

“Harm,” Mac objected, “I’m not leaving you.”

“You promised Mattie to see her.”

‘Damn him,’ thought Mac.  “… That’s low Harm,” she said.  

They had just told Mattie that they don’t break their promises, and Mac was especially trying to build a trusting relationship with the teen.

“No,” Mac decided to stick to her guns, “you know, I told her ‘we’ would visit.  If this is important enough for you to back out of, I think she’ll understand if I can’t be there either.  These are exigent circumstances.”

“Mac …” he was about to argue more, but decided the whole issue really ought to wait until they knew more.  “I think as long as we’re tabling things, we should table all of this until we’ve had some sleep and can get some more information.”

“Okay,” Mac agreed.  She put her cup on the sink.  “Harm?”

“Yeah?”

“The other stuff we’re tabling … we can’t hold off on it too long, because I think … it just hurts us.  And we have a bad habit of putting off … talks between us.”

“I guess.”

Suddenly inspired by an idea, Mac said, “I want to amend our plan for tomorrow morning.  The one we originally had to run together.”

“Well, I think 0545 is a little early now, since it’s already …”

“0328,” Mac said immediately.  “I know.  We need sleep and then we’ll have to wait until we know how soon we can get a hold of your contacts.  But I think we need a different type of exercise too.  Let’s go to a gym.  That way we can talk, and when either of us feels the need to hit something, we’ve got a punching bag.”

Harm almost laughed before he realized that she was serious.  Instead, he merely stated, “That’s not all that private though.”

“I know a place where they have individual workout rooms.  It’ll cost us, but I think it’s worth it.”  With her eyes, she begged him to agree.

Harm hesitated.  Then he walked up to Mac and put his hands on the sides of her face.  “Whatever you want,” he said tenderly.  “I love you, you know?”  

He moved his hands to her arms and started to lean in to kiss her, but without giving herself a chance to realize Harm’s intent, Mac quickly ducked her head down and dug herself into his chest, clinging to him with her arms around his waist.  

Harm was a little surprised and somewhat disappointed that he didn’t get access to her lips, but he hugged her back and kissed the crown of her head.  She once again reminded him of a small, scared child.  

After a few moments, still clinging to him, Mac declared quietly, “I love you so much, Harm.”

“Likewise, Ninja-girl.  Now let’s get some sleep.”

                     -------------

To be continued in Needs, Pt D