For Challenge #8
Using the lines:
Line 1: I really think it's better this way
Bonus Line: The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?
Author’s Note: This is another story that can be added to the “Fix the Paraguay-Arc” pile. I do make some references to “Lawyers, Guns and Money” and “A Tangled Webb, II”, but this, by no means, follows what actually did happen. It can certainly be classified as AU.
If Words Could Be Brought Back
by Mandy
As Harmon Rabb entered the familiar McMurphy’s Tavern, the smell of alcohol assaulted his nostrils and he left the cool, damp night behind him. It was eerie how the weather outside matched his mood.
He sighed as he sat down at the bar. “I’m so stupid,” he mumbled as he scrubbed his hand over his face.
“What can I get for you, Mr. Rabb?” Marissa asked from behind the bar. “Your usual?”
“Yeah, that would be great.”
Marissa left and returned with Harm’s drink a few minutes later.
“No offense, but you look like crap. Anything you care to talk about?”
Harm sighed again. “I made the biggest mistake of my life. I just let the woman that I love slip through my fingers.”
“Does she know you love her?”
Harm dropped his head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“She left before I had a chance to tell her …”
Harm reflected on what had happened less than an hour ago.
*** ***
There was a knock on his door, and he was shocked to discover it was Mac. They hadn’t been on good terms as of late, so he didn’t know what to make of her impromptu visit. For a split second, he wondered if things could go back to the way they used to be. But when she took off her jacket and revealed her pregnancy belly, what little hope he had was shattered.
It had Webb written all over it. He knew that from the start. Damn that spook. He could honestly say if this mission hurt Mac in any way, shape, or form, he would personally see that the same harm was caused to Webb, and that was a fact.
*** ***
Harm played Mac’s words over and over again.
I don’t know … I can’t say … It’s dangerous.
That wasn’t enough to go on. Why would she even allow Webb to get her mixed into this mess?
He told her not to go, but she didn’t listen. Instead, she answered with, “You’re only like this when I have one foot out the door. Things will never work out between us,” and then she left … She was gone.
And ever since, those last words she said echoed over and over in his head.
“… I should have gone after her. Chalk another dumb move up to my foolish pride.”
“I wouldn’t say that yet.”
The voice was music to his ears. “Mac!” he exclaimed as he snapped his head around.
She reluctantly took a step closer, and Harm decided to push his untouched beer away. In the few seconds it took for Mac to sit down, Harm noticed that she was no longer wearing the pregnancy belly and that she had been crying.
“I couldn’t go,” she said with a tear filled voice. “I just couldn’t do it.”
“Why not?” he asked gently, afraid to hear the answer.
“I’m so overwhelmed.” She looked at the alcoholic beverages behind the bar. “I don’t know what to make of my life anymore. I’m so scared, so confused.”
“You didn’t come here looking for me nor to think, did you?”
“Honestly,” she answered slowly. “I came here for a drink. I need one – I feel like it’s the only way to make this pain go away.”
“No, Sarah,” he said firmly. “I know you are stronger than that.”
“Am I? Sometimes I don’t think I am. I often wonder if I am my own weakest link – if I will just snap one day and fall off the wagon … take that drink that I have been craving for so long.”
“You are much stronger than that, Mac. Look at all the things you overcame since joining the Marines. You can beat this, too. Treat it just as you would treat any other battle.”
“I’m just so afraid,” she admitted shyly. “Sometimes I wonder what I have in life that is worth staying sober for. I have a career and that’s about it; … that’s practically nothing.”
‘You have me!’ he wanted to shout, but instead, while searching in her eyes, he asked, “Have you had a drink?”
She shook her head. “No, not since Dalton,” she said as tears slid down her face. “But I’m afraid I will just snap and throw it all away,” she finished before dropping her head in her hands.
Harm was at a loss for words. It was a rare occasion for them to talk lately, let alone for Mac to open up to him like this. He had so many things he wanted to tell her, but honestly, he was afraid. He wasn’t very articulate outside of the courtroom when it came to Mac, and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and push her away.
A few minutes went by before he spoke again. “You never answered my question.”
She slowly picked up her head and with puffy eyes she looked at him. “What question?”
“Why you didn’t go with Webb,” he whispered.
“Oh, God. I can’t believe I’m actually going to tell you this. …
“It hurt a lot when you didn’t come after me. … A lot. I thought for sure you would come, but when you didn’t, it really made me think. I thought about you and me, us, and our friendship or whatever it is that we have. It forced me to reevaluate my life, and that’s when I realized I couldn’t go. I could not get on that plane knowing that you were here and didn’t know how I feel about you. If you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine; I just need you to know how I feel. I need you in my life. I … I love you.”
Harm could feel his heart shattering for the pain he inadvertently caused the most important woman in his life. He was such an idiot. “Are you saying you don't know how I feel about you?”
She shrugged. “No woman wants to be a mind reader, Harm.”
Harm slid off his seat and turned Mac’s seat so that he was in front of her. He used his thumb to trace the outline of her facial features. “I’m going to let my heart do the talking, okay? There’s no turning back.”
Mac nodded. “I would like that.” ‘I hope,’ she thought silently.
"I love you, Mac. I have for the longest time. I feel it in here,” he brought her hand to rest over his heart. “I cannot imagine my life without you; a part of my heart died when you said you were leaving with Webb. It hurt me, Mac. And the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? I knew I always cared about you, but this really put everything in perspective for me.”
“Harm,” Mac started, but she was quickly silenced when Harm brought a finger to her lips.
“Ssh, let me finish, okay? Just listen.” After she nodded, he continued, “I was worried about you, I was afraid that something would go wrong and I never would be able to tell you how I feel. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I need you to be a part of my life.”
“Oh, Harm. I don’t know what to say. I’m so relieved you feel the same way.” Then, without any notice, she began to cry.
“Hey, now,” he said as he brushed away a tear. “I thought you’d be happy. We’re finally on the same page.”
“I am. I am so happy.”
“Then why are you crying?” He hated to see her cry.
“Because … because I had one of my visions again. It was so graphic,” she began to tremble, and Harm was quick to wrap his arms around her. This was when Mac felt the safest, no matter what, she always felt so secure and so loved wrapped in his strong, protective arms. “… Our cover was blown,” she said softly. “They separated me from Webb, and they tortured me. It was bad, Harm. I could feel it.”
“You’re okay. You’re here. Nothing will happen now.”
“I know if I went they would have killed me; I just know it,” she sobbed.
Harm bit his lip. “You’re safe now. I’m glad you didn’t go. I really think it's better this way.”
“Webb was angry, but I told him I didn’t care. I warned him, but he doesn’t think anything will happen. He said I had an overactive imagination. I was ready to deck him right then and there.”
Harm couldn’t help but to smile some. This was the Mac he knew. “Why didn’t you?” He chuckled.
Mac pulled away and smirked. “Considering the Admiral was there, I don’t think the he would have been too happy.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that would have gone over very well.”
“No,” she yawned. “It probably wouldn’t have.”
“You must be really tired.”
“I’ll be okay.”
Harm took some cash out of his pocket and put in on the bar. “You need to rest. I’ll take you home.” He reached for her hand, “Come on.”
“Harm,” Mac said as she was unlocking the door to her apartment. “I didn’t mean to say what I did earlier. If words could be brought back, I’d bring them back. I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you when I left. I was angry and confused. You have every right to be angry, you know.”
It took Harm a minute, but he figured out why those sentences sounded so familiar. They were a spin on the lyrics from the song that Little AJ used to sing – I Make Mistakes. It was a song Harriet taught AJ so he could learn about mistakes and apologizing. “I’ll love you rain or shine.”
She smiled, because when he said that, she knew that he knew what she was doing. Then she turned serious when she said the next phrase as they walked inside the apartment. “I don’t want to make the same mistakes ever again.”
“We learn from our mistakes,” he pointed out.
“Well, I learned my lesson. I need you in my life. I’m done fighting and being stubborn. Let’s wipe the slate clean and start over.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“What?” Mac stopped mid-step.
“Because if we start over, I wouldn’t know all things I know about you. I wouldn’t know that you have cowboy pajamas, you like marshmallows in your hot chocolate, you speak six languages, you like to wear Christmas socks in the middle of summer, you like peanut butter but you absolutely hate peanuts, you like to make vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting with AJ, or that you like strawberry jelly better than grape jelly. And that, my friend, is just the tip of the iceberg.”
“You know all those things?” she asked, slightly shocked.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I do.”
“If we wiped the slate clean, there would many things that I don’t know about you.”
“Oh, really? What would that be?”
“Well,” Mac started. “I wouldn’t know that you like your coffee with a packet of Splenda and a dash of cream, you’re a hell of a cook and make the best spaghetti sauce I have ever tasted, when you play Hide-n-Seek with AJ you always knows that he hides behind the shed, so you look there last, you can’t wrap a gift to save your life so you always have them wrapped at the mall, you still have the Superman slippers your mom gave you when you were 6, you can’t stand to iron, or that you named your plane after your grandmother. That’s only the beginning.”
Harm smiled and it almost made Mac go weak in the knees. “Do you see why we shouldn’t wipe the slate clean?”
“Yes, thanks to you.”
“It may seem like we screwed up, but that doesn’t matter because we did something right. After all, we’re standing right here together at this given moment, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, and we’re both on the same page.”
“Exactly.”
“You’re a very smart man, Commander.”
“You’re a very smart woman, Colonel.”
“Thank you,” she paused for a minute. “Will you stay?”
“Absolutely.”
“Good. I’ll go change and you can pick something to watch. I won’t be gone long.”
Mac returned seven minutes later to find that Harm was sitting on the couch with two cups of hot chocolate and a plate of butter cookies. “You sure know how to spoil a girl.” She said as she sat down on the couch.
He shrugged. “I’ll spoil you any day.”
Not even halfway through the movie, Harm noticed that Mac was sound asleep. He was going to cover her up with a blanket and leave a note on the table before he left, but he knew her back would hurt in the morning if he left her on the couch, so he decided he’d bring her to her room instead.
First, he went to turn the covers down, and then he returned to the living room to get her. He carefully scooped her up and walked down the hall with her. He couldn’t help but smile at the way her hair fell around her eyes. Then, he gently placed her on the bed, pulled up the covers, and started to walk over to the door. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her speak.
“I meant it when I asked you to stay.”
He had hoped she meant it, but he just assumed she wanted him to stay for the movie. “I’ll stay on the couch.”
“No, stay here with me. Please? I need to be held tonight.”
“Are you sure?” he asked hopefully.
“Yes. I never, ever, want you to leave, Harm. Understand? Even if we have a huge fight, I want you here next to me when I sleep.”
“I promise you I’ll do that, Mac, except of course when duty has other plans.”
“I know.”
“I don’t ever want you to leave,” he pointed out.
“I won’t, unless of course duty calls.”
“Good.” He slipped his shoes off and slid into the bed next to Mac.
She rolled closer to him and kissed him on the lips. “I’m really glad you’re here.”
“This is the only place I want to be.” He kissed her again, before he wrapped his arms around her, and nuzzled his face against her hair. “Does this mean I have to make you breakfast in the morning?” he asked.
Mac laughed. She couldn’t believe he remembered that conversation from many, many years ago. “No, maybe dinner instead.”
*** ***
The End
Author’s Note: “I Make Mistakes” is a learning song by Andy Glockenspiel, and I actually did reference and use many of the lyrics in the conversation Mac and Harm had.